How all hypnosis is self- hypnosis- unlocking the power within you
Hypnosis often gets a bad rap in popular culture. You might have seen movies where a hypnotist waves a pocket watch in front of someone’s face, making them cluck like a chicken or revealing deep, dark secrets. While these depictions are entertaining, they don’t quite capture the truth of what hypnosis really is—nor do they reveal its incredible potential for personal growth.
In reality, all hypnosis is self-hypnosis. This may sound surprising, but it’s a fundamental truth. When you allow yourself to enter a hypnotic state, you’re not under the control of someone else—you’re simply engaging with your own mind in a more focused and receptive way. Hypnosis is essentially a tool to help you access your unconscious mind, and you’re the one doing all the work.
If you’ve ever been deeply absorbed in a book, daydreamed, or found yourself so focused on something that you lost track of time, you’ve experienced a form of self-hypnosis. The state of focused relaxation that comes with hypnosis is nothing more than a natural extension of this ability to tune in to your mind’s deeper processes.
Let’s take a look at why all hypnosis is self-hypnosis, and how it can be used to enhance your nervous system regulation, tap into the power of your imagination, and even facilitate memory reconsolidation—the brain’s natural process of updating and healing old patterns.
Nervous System Regulation: Calm in the Storm
One of the most powerful aspects of hypnosis is its ability to regulate the nervous system. In today’s fast-paced, high-stress world, our nervous systems often find themselves stuck in an overactive state. Chronic stress, anxiety, and trauma can leave us in a near-constant state of "fight or flight," with our sympathetic nervous system firing up and keeping us on edge.
But when you enter a state of hypnosis, you essentially switch gears. You move from the sympathetic "fight or flight" mode to the parasympathetic "rest and digest" mode. In this relaxed state, your brain waves change, your body can start to heal, your muscles can release tension, and your heart rate and breathing can slow down. This is where self-hypnosis works its magic—you’re allowing your body to reset, soothing your nervous system and giving it permission to return to balance.
The process of hypnosis can involve relaxation techniques, visualization, and focused breathing—all of which help to communicate with your nervous system and encourage it to relax. When you combine this with the power of your imagination, you can begin to rewire your brain’s automatic stress responses, breaking free from patterns of anxiety and tension.
By practicing self-hypnosis regularly, you’re essentially teaching your body and mind to respond to life’s challenges with more calm and control. You’re taking the reins of your nervous system, allowing it to reset whenever you need to. This form of regulation can help improve everything from sleep to digestion to immune function, as the body is able to function optimally when in a state of calm.
The Power of Imagination: Shaping Your Reality
Hypnosis isn’t just about relaxation; it’s also a powerful tool for tapping into the vast potential of your imagination. When you’re in a deeply relaxed state, your mind becomes more receptive. This is why many hypnotherapists use imagery and visualization techniques during sessions. The mind doesn’t distinguish between what’s real and what’s imagined, so when you vividly imagine a scenario—whether it’s a healing environment, a successful goal, or a peaceful moment—you’re actually programming your subconscious mind to believe it can happen.
Think of the power of imagination as a bridge between your current reality and your desired reality. Imagination is the fuel that drives the subconscious mind. It allows you to create new possibilities, rewrite old narratives, and envision a future where you feel confident, calm, and capable.
This is the magic of self-hypnosis: you’re not just passively receiving suggestions from someone else. You’re actively engaging your imagination, harnessing its full power to shape your thoughts, beliefs, and experiences. It’s through this creative engagement that you begin to see real change in your life. Whether you’re using visualization to reduce stress, improve performance, or manifest a goal, the key is that you’re in control of the process. You’re guiding your mind to bring about your desired outcome, one focused thought at a time.
Memory Reconsolidation: Updating Old Patterns
Another area where self-hypnosis really shines is in memory reconsolidation—the process by which our brains update and modify memories, especially those tied to emotional experiences. Memories, particularly those tied to trauma, can become "stuck" in the brain, replaying over and over in ways that influence our current behaviors, emotions, and perceptions. These old memories can feel like they’re running the show, keeping us trapped in patterns we don’t want or need anymore.
But the beauty of self-hypnosis is that it allows us to revisit and update these memories from a place of safety and control. In a deeply relaxed state, the subconscious mind becomes more flexible. You can gently revisit old memories—especially those that are causing emotional distress—without re-traumatizing yourself. Instead, you can start to reframe those memories, giving them new meanings, taking the painful sting out of them, and gradually shifting how they affect your present reality.
Through this process, your brain updates the emotional charge attached to those memories, allowing you to feel lighter, freer, and more empowered. You’re not erasing the memory, but you are updating it with new, more up to date information. This reconsolidation process is how old wounds can heal, and how long-held patterns of fear, guilt, or shame can begin to release.
In a way, self-hypnosis acts as a kind of mental "reboot"—giving you the opportunity to rewire old pathways that no longer serve you. The subconscious mind is incredibly powerful, and through this self-directed process, you can transform the way you perceive and respond to the world around you.
Embracing the Power Within
When you look at hypnosis through this lens, it becomes clear that all hypnosis is self-hypnosis. You are always in control of the process. Whether you’re consciously using hypnosis to relax your nervous system, engage your imagination, or update old memories, you are the one doing the work.
And that’s empowering. It means you have the ability to tap into your inner resources at any time. Hypnosis, in its most genuine form, is simply a way to access your mind’s natural ability to heal, transform, and grow. It’s not about being "put under"—it’s about allowing yourself to enter a state of heightened awareness and focus, so you can work with your mind to create positive change.
So the next time you think of hypnosis, remember this: You have the power within you to guide your own journey. Whether it’s calming your nervous system, tapping into your imagination, or updating old patterns, hypnosis is just another tool to help you harness that power and shape the life you desire.
All hypnosis is self-hypnosis. And that, dear reader, is something truly worth exploring.
What’s the big deal about self care, anyway?
Everyone knows that self care is important, right? In certain wellness circles, it seems to be talked about as the answer to all life’s woes. But maybe it feels like you don’t have the incentive, the time or the money to invest more in yourself, or you don’t know where to start, or why, or maybe you have a deeper limiting belief such as ‘I don’t deserve it’ or ‘its selfish to focus on myself’
So I’d like to offer perhaps a differing perspective on self care, why its such a big deal, and how you can introduce more of it into your daily life- and it all comes down to your Nervous System.
Our Central Nervous System (CNS) is comprised of our brain stem and our spinal cord, and its constantly hard at work to keep you safe, under the level of conscious awareness. Without realising it, or even having to think about it, all day every day, your CNS is always making the assessment- “am I safe? Am I in danger?” This spidey sense is called Neuroception and is very helpful when its correctly calibrated (having a ‘gut feeling’ about something is an example of this)
But sometimes it can get stuck in a hyper alert, hyper sensitive setting- and then it starts doing its job too well. This is due to your vagus nerve being out of whack. (Technically, its a result of having low vagal tone) When this happens, it can perceive danger where there is none- which can lead to things like IBS, (as your vagus nerve is also responsible for digestion), feeling on edge, jumpy, unable to sleep, in pain, symptomatic, overthinking, hypervigilance, feeling tired but wired- and then we can get stuck like this- sometimes for years.
This is a perfectly understandable response to a CNS that has been overtaxed- perhaps through high stress levels, chronic illness, grief, trauma, or otherwise difficult life experiences and circumstances. And after a while, you may come to identify with this overprotective setting, and include it as part of your personality- “ I’m just an anxious person” ‘or “thats just how life is” could be a story that you tell yourself.
But that doesn’t mean you are stuck like this! Because our brains and bodies have the ability to change at any time, when we soothe our CNS, this hypersensitivity can be dialled down, and can stay down.
Think about it like this- if you have a dog, and the dog feels that its job is to protect you, then without the right input, (training, and soothing, to feel safe and calm) your guard dog will become overprotective, and this could lead to big trouble. What happens to the postman when he tries to post your letters? Your guard dog bites them on the hand. It was just trying to help, but has made things worse.
Your CNS is your internal guard dog. Without the right sort of messaging, it can make your life worse by being constantly triggered by things that it shouldn’t need to react to.
This is where self care comes in.
When we proactively meet our own needs, it soothes our internal guard dog, and helps us feel safe. This internal sense of safety dials down our reaction to perceived threat, and helps us clearly assess our internal and external environments.
Certain part of your brain that are responsible for translating that internal alarm into cues to feel pain, also overlap with parts of your brain that are responsible for intuiting unmet needs (hunger, thirst, tiredness, the need to pee, the need to move/ socialise/ have a hug/ be alone) so when you don’t meet these needs, those parts of your brain are activated in a way that makes your perception of pain and symptoms worse.
The answer to this is to meet your own needs, which creates an internal sense of safety, soothes your guard dog, resets your threat response, and dials down pain/ symptoms.
So first of all, try asking yourself- am I hungry? Am I thirsty? Do I need a nap? Do I need a hug? Or time to be alone? And then meeting those essential needs, every day, is the first important step. And it may sound obvious, but its very easy to be too busy and outwardly focused then overlook those basic cues- and wind up feeling worse for it.
The second step to calm your alarm system is to gift yourself soothing experiences to add into your sense of wellbeing and safety. These don’t need to cost any money, or take up much time- even 5 minutes a day can make a difference.
Here are 8 ideas for free 5 minute microbreaks that you can include into your day-
1- BREATH AWARENESS AND SLOW BREATHING
Noticing how you breathe, and then choosing to slow your breath down to a pace that you find comfortable, and maintain that slow, steady and comfortable pace for 5- 10 minutes is one of the best ways you can soothe your internal alarm. Your CNS places the highest importance on the state of your breath, as its such an important function.
Yet it can go completely overlooked, and end up fueling anxiety, fear, panic, alarm- all of which gets translated into pain by your brain. Box breathing (in for 4, hold for 4, out for 4, hold for 4) or Coherent breathing (In for 4, out for 6) are 2 simple ways you can use your breath to bring you into a calm and safe nervous system state.
2- SHAKING, BOUNCING, PATTING AND STROKING
Patting your body from head to toe, gentle strokes (can be done over clothes), bouncing on your heels, and shaking your body are all ways to encourage interception (internal awareness) and to move out of a stressed physical state into a place of calm and relaxation. We hold stress in our bodies as well as our minds, and these simple practices all help to complete the stress cycle, discharge stress hormones, and convey care and attention to your body.
3- DANCING AND SINGING
For all the reasons as above, except to your favourite tune. Moving your body in a way that feels good and enjoyable conveys safety and helps to release stored tension. Singing directly tones your vagus nerve, helping it- and therefore you- come back to balance.
4- REACHING OUT
Lets face it- staying in contact with our friends and loved ones is hard isn't it? You blink, and 6 months has gone by. Why not send a text to someone you haven’t connected with for a while? Feeling close to people is one of the best and easiest ways to feel safe, but it doesn’t have to be only the deepest and closest friendships that you cultivate- although obviously they are important.
Studies show that even just interacting with people in shops fosters a sense of belonging and connection. So touching base with, and sending a quick hello to someone you have been meaning to message, and keeping your friendships going- even if its just on the phone or via text-is an easy way to feel secure, connected and loved.
5- NOTICING AND CATCHING FEAR BASED THOUGHTS
Once you step back and observe your thoughts, you will realise how many of them are repetitive, fear based, and possibly not even based on facts. Being able to catch yourself when you are prone to catastrophisation, rumination or faulty thinking (such as black and white thinking or overgeneralisation) gives you the chance to take a step back in your mind, not buy into the thought, and observe your mind.
Because you are not your thoughts- you are the thinker of your thoughts. This gives you the space to create new, up to date, accurate and helpful thoughts instead.
6- LONG DISTANCE GAZING
There is a reason people throughout history have tended to live on the top of hills- because when you can see far into the distanced, you activate your peripheral vision in a way that can detect threat, and in the absence of threat, your brain finds it easier to stay calm.
So simply by gazing into the distance, you can tap into this ability to feel safe. You could also combine this with breath awareness, noticing and catching your thoughts, or shaking and bouncing for extra self soothing effects.
7- JOURNALLING
Dumping out your thoughts onto paper helps them stop circulating round your head- it also helps you to organise your thinking, reflect on any patterns and progress, and become more self aware. Journalling regularly is a fantastic way of calming and clearing the mind. If you aren’t sure where to start, writing down your worries, how you feel in your body, your hopes, dreams and plans, and what you are grateful for is a great place to start.
8- MAKING A GRATITUDE LIST
Its soooo easy to focus on whats negative in our lives! And this isn’t a personal flaw- in fact, its an inbuilt survival mechanism which has evolved alongside humans to keep us safe. After all, it wasn’t the early humans who were sitting around the fire without a care in the world who didn’t get eaten by predators or attacked by another tribe- it was the humans scanning for danger on the horizon, alert to possible threat.
We evolved from those survivors, and we inherited their tendencies. But this mechanism now works against us, and the threat is that argument on Facebook, job instability, turning on the news, or even our own thoughts- but our bodies react in the same predicable way- stress hormones, tightness and tension, fast and shallow breathing. The way out of this is by noticing and focusing on the things around you that make you feel safe, happy, fulfilled. These are your Glimmers. They are the opposite of Triggers.
Writing them down is the best way of starting to habitually pay attention to the good in your life. This exercise rewires your brain away from the negativity bias and towards joy and all the benefits that it brings. It could be as simple and small as a flower in your garden, a cup of tea or coffee, a feeling of comfort somewhere in your body. Start with 3 things. But once you start noticing, you won’t stop- because in spite of the stress and anxiety of day to day life, once you start paying attention to the little things that bring you joy, you won’t be able to stop at just 3.
When we create time to invest in these simple, easy, free and effective practices regularly, we are giving ourselves support that pays off big time for our nervous systems.
So why not start incorporating them into your day to day life?
Why practice TRE?
TRE (Tension and Trauma Release Exercises) is a practice designed to reset your nervous system through the activation of neurogenic tremors. ‘Neurogenic’ means arising from the nervous system. They are completely different from pathological tremors, as seen in Parkinson’s, dystonia etc.
These tremors, when experienced in an environment of safety, reset your stress cycle and provide a corrective experience to your nervous system, allowing a sense of balance and ease. Being able to come back to rest, digest, growth and repair more easily each time you practice.
TRE is taught as a self- help tool- meaning once you have had tuition by a qualified and experienced teacher such as myself, you can safely and effectively practice by yourself. This means it’s a very sustainable skill to acquire. Regularly practiced, you can use TRE for anxiety, pain, trauma and stress relief. It will release tight muscles, especially parasitic tension caused by stress and trauma..
The practice is divided into 3 parts- the first part is the 7 simple warm up exercises that create the conditions for the tremors, the second part is the tremors themselves, and the third part is the integration period afterwards. The tremors aren’t under voluntary control- they do come from your brain, but not the neocortex- they come from the brain stem, the same part of your brain responsible for other involuntary actions such as your heart beating and your digestion.
You can however control when you start and stop them, and you can choose to stop at any time.
Practicing TRE regularly will dial down any overactivation in your nervous system, meaning you can come back to the healing state of parasympathetic dominance. This state is where the magic happens. Because your nervous system is a bit like a see-saw- you can only have one side active at a time. Spending too much time in fight/ flight/ freeze/ fawn is damaging and promotes disease.
Fight/ flight is really useful in the face of an acute stressor- nobody wants to be calm and relaxed when running away from a tiger. When activated this way, our muscles tighten, our digestion turns off, and we become hypersensitive to threat- all useful if in actual danger. But nowadays, there are no tigers chasing us- instead, we deal with chronic, daily stressors such as deadlines, money worries, the news, social media, and demands of work- but our bodies react in the same way.
This, especially when combined with trauma stored in our bodies from difficult childhood experiences, causes our stress activation to remain stuck on ‘on’. Which means it’s harder to sleep, digest food, feel relaxed, or recover from illness. Being in low grade fight/ flight can cause shallow breathing, anxiety, restlessness and hypervigilance, and can exacerbate autoimmune disease , as there is a close link between the immune system and the nervous system.
The thing is- the aim isn’t to be calm and relaxed all the time. The aim is to keep that see-saw well oiled and fine tuned, meaning we respond in an appropriate way and can easily switch sides as needed. So regularly doing TRE for anxiety, stress, tension and trauma is a brilliant way of healing the body and bringing the whole self back to a state of natural balance.
If can also have some unexpected and welcome effects too- below is a recent update from a former client-
‘I thought you might appreciate an update on my TRE practice at home, for your own interest or in case it's of use to anyone else. I have been continuing to do the practices twice a week where I can - a minimum is once a week.
When I came to you this time last year, I was also experiencing menstrual issues, possibly associated with perimenopause, and probably also associated with my severe fibroids. I was having quite heavy mid-cycle bleeding, my periods were extremely heavy and painful and I was having hot flushes and night sweats.
I wanted to report that it is the TRE that has made the biggest difference and shows that clearly the trauma held in my body has most certainly affected my hormonal balance. By the start of the summer, all of the above symptoms had stopped. All of them. No more mid-cycle bleeding at all - not even light spotting. Hot flushes and night sweats stopped. Completely. By the end of the year, all cramping had stopped. This year, my periods are lighter.
During the summer, when I eased off the frequency of the TRE practices, the spotting and hot flushes returned for a couple of months - this was motivation enough to get right back into the TRE twice weekly again, and it has all stopped again.
I have been amazed by the effect - and very grateful! And very fascinated by it all. It wasn't a consequence I expected or even hoped for - I had no expectations really; I just appreciated the theory behind it and wanted to see how it would work for me. Just thought you might be interested to hear a follow up on the effects of the practice.’
How interesting is that? I hadn’t anticipated TRE being able to eradicate menopausal symptoms! Who knows what other benefits await? In just 2 lessons yu could have this self help tool at your fingertips. And the other good news is, learning TRE online is just as good as learning it in person- if you are interested to try this innovative practice, why not get in touch?
What is pain?
What is pain? This simple question has a seemingly obvious answer- pain is anything that hurts!
But asking ourselves that question can lead to some surprises, which bring empowering solutions.
The latest clinical definition of pain as described by the IASP (The International Association of the Study of Pain, of which I am a member) is as follows-
“Pain is an unpleasant sensory and emotional experience associated with, or resembling that associated with, actual or potential tissue damage”
There are a few categories of pain- generally speaking, acute pain means recent, and chronic pain is defined as anything persisting for 3 months or more. (I prefer the term ‘persisting’ as ‘chronic’ sounds like its implying there will never be an end- which is entirely untrue- but I will use the word ‘chronic’ as its how the literature generally refers to this type.)
There are subgroups of chronic pain- secondary pain is is due to underlying disease such as cancer, and primary pain is arguably a disease in its own right, because its the sole symptom and complaint.
(I work with people experiencing chronic pain, who have ruled out underlying tissue damage, because I’m a therapist not a nurse or medic, and I will always make sure people have had appropriate medical treatment first.)
There are also 4 broad types of pain, which can overlap and cross over- nociceptive (caused by tissue damage) inflammatory (caused by inflammation) neuropathic (caused by nerves) and neuroplastic (caused by changes in the brain.)
All this sounds quite depressing and well, painful! But- there is hope, and lots of it- so please read on!
Chronic pain, lasting 3 months or longer, generally will have an element of neuroplasticity to it. (Neuroplasticity = your brain’s ability to change).
This is GOOD NEWS! Because it means if your brain has changed to be a certain way, it can change back again, given the right inputs. I’ll go into some of those inputs soon. But first I’d like to go back to the official definition of pain.
“Pain is an unpleasant sensory and emotional experience associated with, or resembling that associated with, actual or potential tissue damage”
Let’s unpack that a little bit here. The first part is- its unpleasant. That much is clear. Pain is a warning that something needs to change. In this respect, its an excellent protective mechanism.
Some people are born without the ability to feel pain- they sadly usually don’t live very long. There is nothing to prevent them from injuring themselves over and over again. So actually, its appropriate to be thankful for the ability to feel pain, as weird as that sounds.
The next part of that sentence to highlight is that its a ‘sensory and emotional experience’. So the most scientifically proven and up to date definition of pain recognises that it ALWAYS has an emotional component. This is important- because if we change our emotions associated with pain, we change our experience.
This change can come in many forms- creating new neural pathways by having hypnotherapy for anxiety or hypnotherapy for trauma for example, or making positive new brain connections by expanding our knowledge with Pain Neuroscience Education. I also find that Buteyko Breathing is super helpful for letting go of stress held in the body, as is TRE (Trauma and Tension Release Exercises).
Whichever way you address it, understanding your emotional response and finding ways to soften fear and anxiety around the pain is a vital part of releasing pain.
Lets look at another part of that official definition- ‘actual or potential tissue damage’. Basically what this acknowledges is that there doesn’t need to be actual damage for pain to be present.
This is where the neuroplastic element comes in.
One way of saying this is that PERCEPTION IS YOUR INTERPRETATION OF SENSATION.
The way that you interpret incoming sensations- on a spectrum from ‘safe’, through ‘neutral’, to ‘dangerous’ - will inform how you perceive that sensation. Change the interpretation, and your perception changes.
In fact there is only a weak correlation between perceived pain and tissue damage.
This is demonstrated through the peculiar and well documented case of a man who showed up at a hospital in unbearable agony, having accidentally shot a nail gun through his work boot. Because thats going to hurt, right?
But when the doctors cut his boot off, everybody was surprised to see that the nail had merely gone between his toes, causing zero damage to his foot. And yet the pain that the man had experienced was very, very real.
His brain had made a mistake in its calculations- by expecting there to be a nail penetrating his foot, it had predicted tissue damage which warranted extreme pain, and therefore created the alarm signals that needed to happen to protect his foot from further ‘damage’- which was to cause pain. But his foot was 100% fine!
He had interpreted a neutral sensation as dangerous, causing pain perception.
Another way of saying this is that PAIN IS YOUR BRAIN’S ASSESSMENT OF HOW MUCH DANGER YOU ARE IN.
And your brain, helpful though it may be trying to be, can get that assessment wrong. In fact, its protectiveness may be the problem- because in the absence of tissue damage, that protectiveness is misplaced. Its a bit like a dog who bites the postman’s hand- the dog thinks he’s helping, but now the postman is considering suing you- creating a big problem that wouldn’t be there if the dog wasn’t so overprotective. He thinks he’s doing his job, but is driven by fear.
And so the brain can get stuck in a feedback loop, called the pain/fear cycle. Pain triggers feelings of fear. The fear puts the brain on high alert, with increases pain perception. This leads to more fear. Which leads to more pain. Its a downward spiral.
So what can we do?
In fact, there are many, many things we can do.
Soothe the inner guard dog, for a start.
Break the pain/ fear cycle.
Change the interpretation of sensation.
Identify and challenge limiting beliefs around pain with the intention to update them.
Increase safety cues so that there is no need for alarm.
Dial down the stress hormones cortisol and adrenaline that ramp up pain perception.
Utilise the body’s own painkilling hormones and neurotransmitters- endorphins and endocannabinoids- to bring the body back to ease.
Create new neural pathways with hypnotherapy for pain relief.
Use visualisations to bring to mind a different way of relation to your body.
Learning about pain is in itself a treatment for pain. We have learnt more about pain in the last 15 years than in all of the preceding history of recorded time- and this new knowledge is empowering!
And this is just addressing the psychological aspect! The other aspects involved- biological and social- well thats a whole other blog post.
As you can probably tell, I’m a little bit excited to help people out of persisting pain. Because I know, with the right inputs, your perception of pain can change. Its my job, but not just my job- its my passion, to find those inputs and share them with you.
If you need help with putting pain behind you there are a few ways I can help-
Sign up to my monthly newsletter to receive valuable cutting edge insights into the psychology and reversal of chronic pain
Take the Persistent Pain beliefs evaluation questionnaire attached to the link on my contact page or IG to find out how much of your pain is being driven by your thoughts
Follow me on IG for regular pain busting tools and techniques
Get on the list for my next group program Releasing Chronic Pain, a 6 week course combining Pain Neuroscience Education, Cognitive Hypnotherapy, Trauma Release Exercises and Buteyko Breathing to help you put pain in the past. These are conducted via zoom, and are small groups, to heal in community. Email me for more info
Book a free, no obligation 30 minute phone call to find out more about working 1 to 1 with me, either online or in my therapy room in Hastings
Check out the resources page on my website for free hypnotherapy recordings, and book recommendations.
Until then, I hope you have found this interesting and helpful. To your good health,
Ella
Relationships- Attachment Styles, the Therapeutic Paradox, and Repetition Compulsion.
Have you ever had a friend that you’ve spent years consoling over various failed relationships, each time watching them choose people who hurt, belittle, confuse or abuse them?
Or perhaps you have been in a similar situation yourself. And maybe you have asked yourself why? Why would they do that? Why do I do that?
This seemingly illogical behaviour isn’t done on purpose, and instead of heaping judgement on it, (and them, and ourselves) if we understand the root cause, we can start to change those habits and patterns that keep us from finding happiness in ourselves- and if we choose to be partnered, to find someone who is going to love and cherish us and help us feel safe.
Continually seeking people out who are emotionally unavailable/ untrustworthy/ unsafe is one of these self defeating behaviours, and is usually caused by the subconscious drive to repeat the unresolved issues of the past (the relationship we had with our parents) in order to prove to ourselves that we can ‘fix’ people who remind us on some level of our early caregivers- this is known as Repetition Compulsion.
An example of this would be the woman who constantly seeks out unavailable, flaky men who are cheating on their partners, because this is how she witnessed her dad behaving towards her mum.
The Therapeutic Paradox is a phenomenon where due to negative behaviour driven by faulty beliefs, we inadvertently create the very situation we were trying to avoid.
In relationships this can look like- someone so jealous or clingy that they drive away the person they love with their constant acting out/ questioning/ demands/ suspicion… their insecurity forcing the loved one to leave, unable to cope with the excessive demands and accusations.
Or it could manifest as someone who is so terrified of being hurt that they always push their loved one away first, keeping people at arms length and ultimately ending up alone.
The first is indicative of an Anxious attachment style, the second an example of an Avoidant attachment style.
Both these Attachment styles can be confusing for everyone involved, and they often attract each other- the Anxious person naturally gravitating towards the Avoidant and vice versa. This push pull dynamic is ultimately unhealthy no matter how seemingly well suited each partner is- because each partner will continuously activate the other’s core wounds.
The reason people wind up in these unsatisfactory relationships is due to their family of origin. Classic studies done in the 70’s by John Bowlby showed that the relationship dynamics your parents bought you up in have long lasting implications for your later, adult romantic relationships. If you had a mother who was less than attentive and attuned, who didn’t meet your needs and was self absorbed, your relationship with adult partners later in life will reflect this.
If you think back to your childhood, can you remember being hugged, held, and told you were loved? Were you appreciated for just being yourself?
If so, congratulations- you are one of the lucky 50% of the population who have been bought up as Securely attached.
Did you only get praise when you got top marks at school/ won the race? Did you have to work to earn affection? Did you feel there wasn’t enough attention to go round?
Or could you do nothing right in the eyes of your parents? Were you ever hit, shouted at for minor mistakes, ignored, left to fend for yourself?
If the answer is yes to anything in the last 2 paragraphs, these parenting fails have probably left an imprint on the way you relate to yourself and others- leading to an Anxious, Avoidant or Disorganised attachment (Disorganised attachment is a combination of Anxious and Avoidant and is caused by unsafe, violent and abusive parenting. This can make navigating adult relationships even more challenging than either Anxious or Avoidant) These trickier attachment styles make up 50% of the population combined.
But, hope is not lost- it’s entirely possible to change the Attachment style you were bought up with. If the people around you, especially your partner, have a Secure attachment style, you can become what’s known as ‘earned Secure’ - their way or relating and sense of safety and trust in others can be passed on to you.
Or with the help of a trusted therapist, as you learn about your patterns, triggers, limiting beliefs and unconscious drives, you can step away from these harmful behaviours and towards more healthy and realistic beliefs and behaviours.
Ultimately we all deserve to feel happy and secure, in ourselves and in our relationships. Undoing the damage a less than great childhood has had on someone isn’t easy, but it is possible. Understanding why you behave the way you do is the first step. And the work is so worth doing.
Growing free of self defeating thoughts and drives leaves space to develop safe, nurturing and trusting relationships- with yourself, and with those around you. If you’d like support to navigate your relational style, Cognitive Hypnotherapy can help you yo understand yourself- ultimately leading to feeling safer in the world.
Why I’m here.
Why I am here.
This is my first blog, so I thought I’d start from the beginning, by explaining why I do what I do.
Apart from my own experiences with chronic pain, and finding pain relief without the need for drugs or surgery, a lot of my motivation to help people has come from my experience of caring for my mum.
She already had Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease when she was diagnosed with stage 4 Peritoneal cancer 8 years ago. (COPD is an umbrella term to describe chronic lung conditions including Emphysema, Asthma, and Bronchitis. She had late stage Emphysema and chronic Asthma caused by a lifetime of smoking)
But with my help and A LOT of determination, she had 2 periods of remission lasting 5 years, (3.5 years of no cancer in total) before finally succumbing 3 years ago.
Having to deal with the medical system, the endless days in hospital having chemo, the countless emergency trips, having to wait hours and hours in various corridors and waiting rooms, dealing with well meaning but harried nurses, the awful food on offer in places where you are supposed to be getting well, the unhelpful throwaway remarks by doctors that planted seeds of fear and despair in my poor mum’s mind (called a nocebo- the opposite of placebo)- I could go on- I have seen first hand how the system doesn’t work, how years of underfunding and mismanagement have stripped the ‘health’ and the ‘care’ from healthcare.
I also saw first hand how devastating smoking is. My mum found it so hard to stop, even with COPD and cancer, that she kept going back to it even when she was ill.
I learned how so much can be different when we take matters into our own hands. By empowering my mum to look for other sources of health, and using complementary medicine for her anxiety relief and pain relief, I helped her feel in control of her health despite the gloomy prognosis.
Her empowerment led her to make different choices, which enabled her outlive the doctor’s expectations by 5 years!
At the time, I didn’t even know about how hypnotherapy for anxiety was so effective, or hypnotherapy for pain relief. I had no idea what breath work was, let alone how helpful Buteyko Breathing for anxiety was. I had no idea that Butekyo Breathing could improve and even eliminate the symptoms of breathlessness associated with COPD.
I didn’t know chronic pain could be reversed. I had never seen people give up smoking with Hypnotherapy before. There was so much I didn’t know, but just the willingness I had to show up and do my best to help her live longer, live happier and ultimately die better, was enough at that time to keep me going, and to give her as much pain and anxiety relief as possible.
Knowing what I now know, following years of experience of helping my mum and countless others who came to me after her initial success, and after my extensive training in Cognitive Hypnotherapy, Buteyko Breathing, Pain Neuroscience Education and Trauma Release Exercises, I am delighted to be able to offer a bespoke, holistic approach to dealing with chronic illness, chronic pain, anxiety relief, stress relief, smoking cessation, overcoming trauma and more.
Being able to help others find relief from difficult conditions, and all types of pain including physical pain, mental pain and emotional pain, gives my life more purpose and meaning than I had ever imagined possible.
So, much as dealing with my mum’s terminal illness was exhausting, terrifying, painful and difficult, it was also a period of transformation in my life that has ultimately led me to where I am today. It was awful- but also deeply revelatory, and empowering. And maybe my life experiences and subsequent training can in turn, help you to change your life for the better.