What’s the big deal about self care, anyway?

Everyone knows that self care is important, right? In certain wellness circles, it seems to be talked about as the answer to all life’s woes. But maybe it feels like you don’t have the incentive, the time or the money to invest more in yourself, or you don’t know where to start, or why, or maybe you have a deeper limiting belief such as ‘I don’t deserve it’ or ‘its selfish to focus on myself’

So I’d like to offer perhaps a differing perspective on self care, why its such a big deal, and how you can introduce more of it into your daily life- and it all comes down to your Nervous System.

Our Central Nervous System (CNS) is comprised of our brain stem and our spinal cord, and its constantly hard at work to keep you safe, under the level of conscious awareness. Without realising it, or even having to think about it, all day every day, your CNS is always making the assessment- “am I safe? Am I in danger?” This spidey sense is called Neuroception and is very helpful when its correctly calibrated (having a ‘gut feeling’ about something is an example of this)

But sometimes it can get stuck in a hyper alert, hyper sensitive setting- and then it starts doing its job too well. This is due to your vagus nerve being out of whack. (Technically, its a result of having low vagal tone) When this happens, it can perceive danger where there is none- which can lead to things like IBS, (as your vagus nerve is also responsible for digestion), feeling on edge, jumpy, unable to sleep, in pain, symptomatic, overthinking, hypervigilance, feeling tired but wired- and then we can get stuck like this- sometimes for years.

This is a perfectly understandable response to a CNS that has been overtaxed- perhaps through high stress levels, chronic illness, grief, trauma, or otherwise difficult life experiences and circumstances. And after a while, you may come to identify with this overprotective setting, and include it as part of your personality- “ I’m just an anxious person” ‘or “thats just how life is” could be a story that you tell yourself.

But that doesn’t mean you are stuck like this! Because our brains and bodies have the ability to change at any time, when we soothe our CNS, this hypersensitivity can be dialled down, and can stay down.

Think about it like this- if you have a dog, and the dog feels that its job is to protect you, then without the right input, (training, and soothing, to feel safe and calm) your guard dog will become overprotective, and this could lead to big trouble. What happens to the postman when he tries to post your letters? Your guard dog bites them on the hand. It was just trying to help, but has made things worse.

Your CNS is your internal guard dog. Without the right sort of messaging, it can make your life worse by being constantly triggered by things that it shouldn’t need to react to.

This is where self care comes in.

When we proactively meet our own needs, it soothes our internal guard dog, and helps us feel safe. This internal sense of safety dials down our reaction to perceived threat, and helps us clearly assess our internal and external environments.

Certain part of your brain that are responsible for translating that internal alarm into cues to feel pain, also overlap with parts of your brain that are responsible for intuiting unmet needs (hunger, thirst,  tiredness, the need to pee, the need to move/ socialise/ have a hug/ be alone) so when you don’t meet these needs, those parts of your brain are activated in a way that makes your perception of pain and symptoms worse.

The answer to this is to meet your own needs, which creates an internal sense of safety, soothes your guard dog, resets your threat response, and dials down pain/ symptoms.

So first of all, try asking yourself- am I hungry? Am I thirsty? Do I need a nap? Do I need a hug? Or time to be alone? And then meeting those essential needs, every day, is the first important step. And it may sound obvious, but its very easy to be too busy and outwardly focused then overlook those basic cues- and wind up feeling worse for it.

The second step to calm your alarm system is to gift yourself soothing experiences to add into your sense of wellbeing and safety. These don’t need to cost any money, or take up much time- even 5 minutes a day can make a difference.

Here are 8 ideas for free 5 minute microbreaks that you can include into your day-

1- BREATH AWARENESS AND SLOW BREATHING

Noticing how you breathe, and then choosing to slow your breath down to a pace that you find comfortable, and maintain that slow, steady and comfortable pace for 5- 10 minutes is one of the best ways you can soothe your internal alarm. Your CNS places the highest importance on the state of your breath, as its such an important function.

Yet it can go completely overlooked, and end up fueling anxiety, fear, panic, alarm- all of which gets translated into pain by your brain. Box breathing (in for 4, hold for 4, out for 4, hold for 4) or Coherent breathing (In for 4, out for 6) are 2 simple ways you can use your breath to bring you into a calm and safe nervous system state.

2- SHAKING, BOUNCING, PATTING AND STROKING

Patting your body from head to toe, gentle strokes (can be done over clothes), bouncing on your heels, and shaking your body are all ways to encourage interception (internal awareness) and to move out of a stressed physical state into a place of calm and relaxation. We hold stress in our bodies as well as our minds, and these simple practices all help to complete the stress cycle, discharge stress hormones, and convey care and attention to your body.

3- DANCING AND SINGING

For all the reasons as above, except to your favourite tune. Moving your body in a way that feels good and enjoyable conveys safety and helps to release stored tension. Singing directly tones your vagus nerve, helping it- and therefore you- come back to balance.

4- REACHING OUT

Lets face it- staying in contact with our friends and loved ones is hard isn't it? You blink, and 6 months has gone by. Why not send a text to someone you haven’t connected with for a while? Feeling close to people is one of the best and easiest ways to feel safe, but it doesn’t have to be only the deepest and closest friendships that you cultivate- although obviously they are important.

Studies show that even just interacting with people in shops fosters a sense of belonging and connection. So touching base with, and sending a quick hello to someone you have been meaning to message, and keeping your friendships going- even if its just on the phone or via text-is an easy way to feel secure, connected and loved.

5- NOTICING AND CATCHING FEAR BASED THOUGHTS

Once you step back and observe your thoughts, you will realise how many of them are repetitive, fear based, and possibly not even based on facts. Being able to catch yourself when you are prone to catastrophisation, rumination or faulty thinking (such as black and white thinking or overgeneralisation) gives you the chance to take a step back in your mind, not buy into the thought, and observe your mind.

Because you are not your thoughts- you are the thinker of your thoughts. This gives you the space to create new, up to date, accurate and helpful thoughts instead.

6- LONG DISTANCE GAZING

There is a reason people throughout history have tended to live on the top of hills- because when you can see far into the distanced, you activate your peripheral vision in a way that can detect threat, and in the absence of threat, your brain finds it easier to stay calm.

So simply by gazing into the distance, you can tap into this ability to feel safe. You could also combine this with breath awareness, noticing and catching your thoughts, or shaking and bouncing for extra self soothing effects.

7- JOURNALLING

Dumping out your thoughts onto paper helps them stop circulating round your head- it also helps you to organise your thinking, reflect on any patterns and progress, and become more self aware. Journalling regularly is a fantastic way of calming and clearing the mind. If you aren’t sure where to start, writing down your worries, how you feel in your body, your hopes, dreams and plans, and what you are grateful for is a great place to start.

8- MAKING A GRATITUDE LIST

Its soooo easy to focus on whats negative in our lives! And this isn’t a personal flaw- in fact, its an inbuilt survival mechanism which has evolved alongside humans to keep us safe. After all, it wasn’t the early humans who were sitting around the fire without a care in the world who didn’t get eaten by predators or attacked by another tribe- it was the humans scanning for danger on the horizon, alert to possible threat.

We evolved from those survivors, and we inherited their tendencies. But this mechanism now works against us, and the threat is that argument on Facebook, job instability, turning on the news, or even our own thoughts- but our bodies react in the same predicable way- stress hormones, tightness and tension, fast and shallow breathing. The way out of this is by noticing and focusing on the things around you that make you feel safe, happy, fulfilled. These are your Glimmers. They are the opposite of Triggers.

Writing them down is the best way of starting to habitually pay attention to the good in your life. This exercise rewires your brain away from the negativity bias and towards joy and all the benefits that it brings. It could be as simple and small as a flower in your garden, a cup of tea or coffee, a feeling of comfort somewhere in your body. Start with 3 things. But once you start noticing, you won’t stop- because in spite of the stress and anxiety of day to day life, once you start paying attention to the little things that bring you joy, you won’t be able to stop at just 3.

When we create time to invest in these simple, easy, free and effective practices regularly, we are giving ourselves support that pays off big time for our nervous systems.

So why not start incorporating them into your day to day life?